While watching an episode of Sex and the City, when Charlotte was trying to conceive I cried my heart out. I felt her pain, her impotence and sadness. I saw myself reflected in her.
Today I was looking at my baby while I was breastfeeding him. His sweet look makes me feel loved and blessed. I feel a mix of emotions running through my body. I did it. I was able to conceive and now I am enjoying the greatest miracle in my life.
It can seems crazy, but sometimes I'm able to feel things before they happen.
When I was around 17, I don't know why, I felt a deeply and desperate fear that I wasn't be able to become a mother. That idea stuck in my head for months causing nights in veil sad and anxious. I needed to do something, I needed an answer so I went to talk to my patriarch. When I leave his office I felt happy, I had my answer. Walking toward my house I couldn't help feeling doubted, reassuring myself I tried to have faith and forget about it.
6 years later of that, I felt that same fear. After many "accidents" I didn't get pregnant. I knew something was wrong. In a cold morning I was beating my lips and my knees were shaking. After telling to the doctor all the symptoms her expression confirmed my fear. I had reproductive challenges. I was infertile.
I tried to not to cry. I was actually smiling. I was kind of glad that I knew it so the news didn't hit me that hard. I wanted to vomit, to run, to scream, to pull my hair and to tear my clothes up.
After that dark day I had a battle in my heart and mind.
I wanted to
wait to start a fertility treatment. I married too young. I knew I wanted to be a mom someday, but at that moment I knew I wasn't ready. The doctors told me that the younger I started
trying the easiest it would be. They and everybody told me that it could
be a long process. Everybody was pushing, insisting making me feel even worst.
I woke up many times in the middle of the night and cried. I covered my mouth to not wake my husband up. I wanted and needed to cry to myself. I needed privacy to let off my pain. I didn't want to talk or to have to explain my feelings.
The next years I tried to live normally as any other
girl of my age. I didn't have money or insurance so I didn't have any
other choice than waiting. Meanwhile the time was passing, my fear was growing and my desire of become a mother was becoming more intense. I was afraid of trying. Afraid of
repetitive negative results.
I was taken many times to the hospital by my husband because of horrible pain in my ovaries.
I have the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Sometimes my ovaries hurt. They get big. I get sad.
If
I don't use a contraceptive my hormones get crazy, my hair fall, I gain
weigh, my face gets full of acne. I had to force myself to accept that
and to try to live with it. It is not easy. Sometimes I feel ugly. I don't feel like a woman.
I don't like the idea of having to use a fertility treatment
every time I want to get pregnant. I don't want spend money on fertility
treatments, ovulation kits and many pregnancy tests.
I don't want to feel the fear while I wait for the results. I don't want to cry when it is negative.
I would like just to love my husband and then celebrate
the beautiful surprise that I am pregnant, instead of planning when we
are going to make the baby. Measure the exact day and moment and then be
tense and stressed.
I must to be grateful, though, at least I was able to conceive and to give birth to a little man who fills my life of joys.
Thank you heavenly father for sending me the cutest baby boy in the whole world.
I love you. I love you Christopher.
